Tips for Halloween

I hope everyone has a happy Halloween this weekend. I've spent the last couple of days thinking back to my childhood and how fun it always was (and conversely, how much it sucks now because A. No candy when you're near 30 and don't have kids and 2. When did this turn into a "Who's the Biggest Slut" contest?) and I have distinct memories of things I enjoyed and things I didn't. So here are a list of ideas to make Halloween fun for the kids and yourselves. Feel free to add you own. I may amend the list as more come to me.

Tip #1: Avoid giving change to trick or treaters. In the past, say pre-1970, getting a quarter, nickels and dimes, or even pennies was cool. But you have to factor in inflation. By the time I was on the scene in the 80s, this was a bit of a letdown because if you were lucky, you'd get enough change to afford a piece of gum. I can't even imagine what a bummer pennies would be now. Which reminds me, at the rate we're printing money, we might as well start printing it on toilet paper because that's all it's going to be useful for.

Tip #2: Treat teenagers like children. One, free candy shouldn't stop at 6th grade. I'm a believer in free candy stops at the age you could be drafted. Two, most people wouldn't let their 6 year old girls dress like tramps. High school girls shouldn't be allowed to do it either. The modern female Halloween costume is at least 40% of the reason there are show like To Catch a Predator.

Tip #3: Don't give candy corn. Candy corn sucks.

Tip#4: If you want to scare the bejeezus out of small children, go as Nancy Pelosi. Consider it an update on classic witch's costume. If it helps, say you're going for irony: Halloween's for kids, and does anybody hate kids more than Nancy Pelosi? I think not.