But in the spirit of bipartisanship and because the media and celebutards are telling us we all have to unite behind this president even though they'd all be threatening to move to Canada if an actual Republican would have won (you know, if the RNC had nominated a Republican), I'm doing my part and making my pledge.
- I pledge to accept my position as a victim and blame all of my problems on somebody else.
- I pledge to illustrate my self-righteousness by pointing out that anyone who disagrees with me is, in fact, an intolerant bigot.
- I pledge to enjoy life more by working less, both in time and effort, because it’s not fair that some people have more money than me. The president will get even with them.
- I pledge that I’ll be understanding and apologetic if someone shoots me or tries to blow me up, because maybe if we’re just nice to them and try to reason with them they’ll change.
- I pledge to wear bright colors every day to reflect the fact that everything’s going to be sunshine and rainbows from now on.
- I pledge to flush after every time I pee, because sometimes urine stinks and that’s just gross.
- I pledge to be patriotic and love my country now that it's cool.
- I pledge to be more generous by inviting loud-mouthed liberals to keep their change.
- I pledge to get behind our new president, because if we can’t come together and unite behind him how he can never lead us?